My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*