My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
You Might Also Like
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*