Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone