My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?