My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
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I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
groan^2
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
wish me luck lads
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
