Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

White Castle for the Win

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect