My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
It do be feeling this way.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?