My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
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*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
The Birdles
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.