Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

What I said: Brush your teeth.

What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.

Husband: What is today?

Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes