My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’