My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
