Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Cat.

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts