Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

[first day as waiter]

Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—

Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—

Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”

Me: “So how does that make you feel?”

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut