My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
