Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

smh

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Today I’m going to give it my almost

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

[Space]

No one: I can hear screaming

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like