My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I remember reading an article about how Somali pirates had fallen on such hard times that their luxury cars were getting repossessed and all I could think was that a Somali repo man who takes cars back from pirates must be the toughest bastard on planet Earth.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
