My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
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Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My flabber has been gasted.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Social distancing in Australia:
