My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

You Might Also Like


The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.


Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?


[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket


I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”


sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something


Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.


“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”

ME: Ok great

*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*


BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond