My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
You Might Also Like
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.