My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Meme Monday.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns