@HousewifeOfHell

My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”

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@gruffybeard

The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@KenJennings

Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?

@Brampersandon_

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

@caperbc75

I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”

@Hella_Rad

sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something

@GloriaFallon123

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

@ArfMeasures

“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”

ME: Ok great

*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*

@sofarrsogud

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond