The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Landlocked countries with beach volleyball teams: who do you think you’re fooling?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all “She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire”
sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”
ME: Ok great
*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.