My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
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If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
why am I working on Labor Day
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate