Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk

WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no