Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Please do it!

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.