My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
You Might Also Like
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Guantanamo Bae
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this