My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
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I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
🐿️
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye