Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.

Safest bet I ever made.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

I am, perchance

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.