My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Comparing yourself to others
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike