[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.