Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

Sending in my taxes

Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!

guilty

anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.