Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.

ㅤ

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

When you’re Kinky but poor

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.