Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

True dat! 😂😂😂😂