My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…