@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

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@liamantt

Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, do you like princesses?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”

“I WILL NOT LIE TO MY SON.”

@Mardigroan

My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.

@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

@Birdhumms

Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.