My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

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Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me


“Daddy, do you like princesses?”



“Well usually they have a nice set of ti-”

Wife: “Shut it.”



My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.


The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.


I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.


Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.