Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins