My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
You Might Also Like
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.