Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

🤣

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy