Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

good work, detective

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?