my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.