my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition