My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that