My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Never deleting this app.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.