My son 馃檵馃徑鈥嶁檪锔弚as SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 馃槏 I told him they were water. 馃挦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you鈥檒l just know
me: I absolutely will not
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
The 5th dentist couldn鈥檛 answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It鈥檚 about choice
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Number of times I鈥檝e cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I鈥檝e thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake鈥檚 ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
The Backseat Boys
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I鈥檝e reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
