My son 馃檵馃徑鈥嶁檪锔弚as SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 馃槏 I told him they were water. 馃挦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren鈥檛 nearly as fortunate.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Well, this explains it:
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Them: We鈥檝e made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
