[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
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Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
A small tragedy.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Strangers have the best candy.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.