Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*

Everyone naked?

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

it is time once again

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

What even happened today?

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!