My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
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My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Thinking about a snail with a limp
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes