My son’s blood type is parmesan.
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Check your privilege
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix