My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
thank god
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]