My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I already tried new things thanks.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere