My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
greetings!
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils