My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there