My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
I am HOWLING at this
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.