Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer

3: for forever?! Yay!!

Me: for five more minutes

3: *bursts into tears*

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]

Me: wtf how did you wrap this

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.