My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
When you’re here for the treats.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.