Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.