My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there