Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.