Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

[bear approaches]

friend: make yourself look big!

me: YOURSELF

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements