Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th