Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet

Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

The booster protects against what, now?

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me