My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
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Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
life finds a way
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
i wish i could marry a nap
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.