Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meow

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.

this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

me

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Picture the perfect woman.

Wrong.

You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.