My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
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Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
It’s an epidemic…
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.