With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Important reminders
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
I never needed anything more in my life
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”