Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

wut hotdog?

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?

Me:

4: Mom???

Me: What the f-

4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?

Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently