Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

ACED my prostate exam!

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Petting my cat, and all the sudden she felt the need to give herself an entire bath. I know it sounds weird, but I think I creeped her out.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

I visited my doctor today.

He told me my sugar was too high.

So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.