My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
no cat here
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest