My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Something Saturday.
