My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
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Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….